The Ache of Desire- Part 1

What do you want? I don't mean in a transitory way like the way one might want a drink of water, or something to eat, or even company, or a badly needed break from the monotonous routine of daily living. I mean in an ultimate way. What do you most want?

The question is important because, until we find the answer, our lives will be like the character in Lewis Carrol's Alice and Wonderland. Alice finds herself in a strange and unfamiliar land far, far from home. She is lost. At one point Alice comes upon the Cheshire Cat perched in a tree marking a crossroads in her journey. At which time she asks the cat...

" Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The cat answers,
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
I don't much care where-- said Alice.
Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the cat."

Where are we headed? Which direction should we take? What am I here for? Where is life to be found? What does it mean for me to be truly free? All of these questions and more are tied to the quintessential question beneath all questions...what do you most desire?

For most of us the question leaves us scratching our heads. Who knows? I mean, on any given day the answer might be completely different then the day before. The question can be truly overwhelming, confusing, and frustrating. Have you ever sat down, and throwing aside all accusations of being foolish, impractical, or selfish, made a free verse list of all the things you want? Try it. Don't edit yourself. Just let your imagination roll with it. Allow your mind to graze over your various interactions, relationships of past and present, work, school, day to day activities, future aspirations, and even the things you know that cannot be but nonetheless would desire (irreconcilable relationships, missed opportunities, and regrets, etc). It can be completely overwhelming. And to boot, odds are, when you are completely finished, having exhausted every possible desire you could imagine, you will still feel a subtle ache for something as yet undefined and unknown to you. " Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here? "

Not only can it be frustrating but it can also be a downright frightening question to ask. What if I discover that what I most want is unavailable to me? Sometimes facing what we truly desire can leave us awash with feelings of regret, sorrow, self-loathing, resentment, failure, or even fear. Once a person begins to define some of the deeper desires of their heart those newly realized desires have a tendency to dare us to lean into them. They can begin to breed a discontent and raise the specter of that most fearful of all questions, "What if I try to reach for this desire and fail?"

Further, some have set their eyes upon what they believed in their heart was the desire of their lives. I know people who have spent their whole lives moving toward a goal that upon reaching leaves them empty and more aware than ever of a subtle, yet pervasive, ache for something more. What they thought would fill them has left them more empty than ever. Others have spent their entire lives pursuing an unattainable goal. Now the impossibility of their dreams are being realized and they are left with a crushing emptiness and a question that is hot and burning deep in their heart. What now? These only exemplify what one might discover when making an exhaustive list of known desires. When the list is exhausted we are still left with a subtle ache for something more that no one thing seems to capture.

For this very reason some choose not to face their desires at all. They have been burned and disappointed too many times to be willing to risk giving themselves over to desire. There's an old country proverb that goes like this; Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me! Some poor souls have been so hurt by betrayal and disappointments that to allow the hope of desire to touch their hearts quite literally feels like suicide. And so consciously, or otherwise, they deaden their hearts and become addicted to distraction. This can be expressed through a host of various compulsions from cleanliness to drugs and sex. Anything to keep them distracted from that which might stir up desire and invite further pain.

The truth is that facing this question honestly can lead us face to face with a reality that is at best very dissatisfying, and at worst devastatingly sad. This naturally leads us to another question. Why do this to ourselves? Why face the question of ultimate desire when doing so can leave us feeling so confused, frustrated, and disappointed? Well, in the continuation of this entry I will discuss how it is actually through facing our disappointment that we not only arrive at an understanding of our greatest desires, which is an indication of our truest selves, but also how through an understanding of our fundamental desires we can find sure direction and answers to the host of others questions on which the question of central desire rest. Questions like: Where am I going? Where is life to be found? What is life all about? What does it mean to be free? Who am I? Which way ought I to go from here? I will discuss how we, in moving past indifference, might arrive at a much more satisfying answer than;

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."