The Ache of Desire- Part 3

We have looked at some of the reasons why it is in our interest to discover what we truly desire; discovering our desires reveal to us hidden motives that dictate our behavior, discovering these hidden motives lends us an objectivity that enables us to begin discerning the true value (or lack of true value) of what we are giving our lives to, and ultimately through such awareness we gain empowerment to make informed decisions about the direction of our lives. Basically it is a process of gaining awareness of the hidden values that compel our behaviors and allowing truth to inform and restructure those values. With new, truth based values, false and destructive patterns of behaving can be replaced with more constructive interactions. It is a vital principle that until we allow understanding to inform us of our values and allow truth to inform those values real change will remain impossible. We shall remain driven and guided by seemingly irresistible forces that remain obscured in darkness.

Let me offer an example from my own life of this principle at work. For many of the early years of our marriage there was continual tension between my wife and I regarding my inability to break away from the “I am a fixer” role. Whenever my sweetie would seek understanding and perhaps validation and encouragement I would obnoxiously attempt to “show her the way”. It doesn’t take a genius to see how destructive this kind of behavior can be. It is alienating, controlling, and condescending. Let me make something clear; I was deeply troubled by my own inner reality and the behavior I was displaying. The problem was I couldn’t seem to stop. The word addiction is not too strong a word to use here. But that was not the worst of it, for even when I would resist playing counselor, I would find myself awash with feelings of ineptitude, anger, pressure, insecurity, sadness, and confusion. Uhg! Who would rescue me from this body of death?

Freedom and healing came for us when, to my deep disappointment, I realized I was dependent on this role of “wise counselor” for my sense of meaning and value and was consequentially dependent upon my wife being needy toward me to maintain this façade. To follow my paradigm, my deepest desire (for a sense of real worth and meaning) was attached to the false value (secondary, lesser desire) of being “a fixer”, and therefore my behavior was slave to this destructive pattern of relating. In a very real sense I was trapped because, until I discovered how my legitimate desire for worth and meaning was attached to the false value of being a fixer, to let go of that behavior meant surrendering the only hope I had of realizing meaning and worth in my life. Satan has to love this crap! Apart from understanding my deepest desires and motives my options were; pursue the hope of worth and meaning by engaging in false and destructive behavior, or surrender false and destructive behavior and with it surrender hope of ever attaining deep meaning and worth.

Sparing you the details of how I ever gained such a twisted value and belief system, suffice to say, it wasn’t until I learned that what I most desired was bound to false values, and then allowed truth to reshape those values, that I was able to reject the destructive behavior while embracing the good desire for meaning and worth.

Now, given the concise way in which I’ve explained how I came to such an understanding I want to be careful not to give the false impression that this was a simple process that occurred in seven easy steps. Truth is, it was a rather lengthy ordeal that began in fits and starts, and involved facing and entering deeply into a period of significant and sustained disappointment. Which brings me, finally, to the point of this entry.

Why discovering desire must involve facing disappointments.

The most obvious reason it is necessary to face disappointments in order to discover what one truly desires is because all disappointment is disappointed desire. To the extent one is out of touch with their sorrows they are out of touch with their true desires. Think about it. If our disappointments flow from unmet desires, and we are removed from an understanding of those disappointments, how much more removed shall we be from those deeper desires from which those disappointments flow? The answer is completely removed! Without an understanding of our disappointments we shall be oblivious to what we most desire, and hence we shall be oblivious to what most drives us in life.

To illustrate this point, I was once discussing these matters with a friend who, arguing from a quasi-Buddhist New Age type ideology, was very adamant that he desired nothing more from life and that desires for things he didn’t have, if ever he did have them, would be both foolish and selfish. Unfortunately at the beginning of our conversation we had been talking about our current employment and he shared how disappointed he was with the place where he worked. Recognizing this contradiction I asked him whether the disappointment he felt in his job wasn’t in fact evidence that he truly did desire something more than what he currently enjoyed? For disappointment reveals desire. Though he reluctantly agreed he sadly was unable to surrender his sense of contempt for having been revealed as a person with unmet desires that he could not simply turn off.

The sad truth is that many people, whether they are aware of it or not, share the same erroneous belief system displayed by my friend. It is my experience that people are exceedingly reluctant to admit disappointment and even more reluctant to admit to desires beyond their current experiences. Most people actually feel guilt for not being satisfied with their lives. Even more difficult, to acknowledge disappointment with loved ones, to admit we are not fully satisfied with them, feels like something bordering on betrayal.

Deep down people feel there is something wrong with them because, when they are confronted with the reality of their hearts, they know they are not content. In truth it is easier to point the finger at ourselves than to face the ugly truth that the best of what life has to offer us falls miserably short of what we long for. For in one sense self-blame, as guilty as it leaves us, always encourages in us the hope that somehow we can change ourselves, do better, think better, etc.. Whereas to face the truth that the world we live in falls short is to recognize a reality over which we have no control. That is why guilt is so intoxicatingly addictive, it encourages and feeds off our desire for control.

Perhaps saddest of all it seems this patent denial of unmet desire and disappointment is more prevalent among the religious and especially fellow Christians who, more than any, should have no fear of the light of reality. Many of us, as believers, have had it drilled into our heads that we should be content and thankful in all circumstances. That to acknowledge deep dissatisfaction and disappointment is to somehow evidence ingratitude, lack of faith, poor thinking, and selfishness.

Though some might point to scriptural instructions such as “give thanks in all circumstances” or “count it all joy when facing various trials” in an attempt to justify such positions this represents a misunderstanding, or better, an unbalanced interpretation of the bible. Many have come to see trusting God, giving thanks in all circumstances, and rejoicing in trials as positions antithetical to the experience of deep sorrow, struggle, and disappointment. As if somehow our faith, right behavior, and right belief should inoculate us from deep and irresolvable pain. This could not be further from the truth.

Consider Jesus who in scripture is called the Man of Sorrows. The book of Hebrews tells us “7While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death. And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God. 8So even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.” And in Romans Paul writes that the life of believers will be an odd combination of both disappointed longing, expectation, and joy. “For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us. Now that we are saved, we eagerly look forward to this freedom. For if you already have something, you don’t need to hope for it.” Romans 8:22-24 (NLT) Later in 2 Corinthians 6:10 he says “Our hearts ache, but we always have joy.” (NLT) These portions of scripture and many others like it make it clear that right thinking, strong faith, a selfless attitude, and even joy are neither antithetical to, nor a safe guard against, deep disappointment and desire.

Apart from simply gaining an understanding of what it is we truly desire, another reason it is essential to face disappointment is because actively rejecting or otherwise denying disappointment is to actually throw contempt on, and move away from, what we most desire. This may seem contradictory, but consider. If it is true that all disappointment is disappointed desire, and we are unwilling to accept and validate those disappointments, then we are in fact also rejecting and refusing to validate those good desires from which they flow. We are simply telling ourselves we “shouldn’t” feel disappointed. But if we really understood and saw the value of what we desired we would validate and recognize the appropriateness of our disappointments. We would be gentle and compassionate toward our grieving hearts rather that cold and impatient.

For example we would never shame or otherwise tell someone who has just experienced the loss of a loved one that they shouldn’t grieve or feel too disappointed. Why not? Because we recognize immediately the great value of the relationship lost. In fact we would think it odd and even inhumane if that person wasn’t deeply grieved. That is because we only validate sorrow and disappointment to the extent we value what is desired. Do you feel disappointment with your job, relationships, spiritual life, or whatever? To deny yourself the freedom to unashamedly experience the full weight of your sorrow is to reject and pour contempt on the good and authentic desires you have for meaningful vocation, relationship, and connection to God. It is to actually move away from those good desires.

This is fairly simple to see. For if one is committed to avoiding and repressing disappointments then it will very naturally follow that they must altogether avoid those things which stir up desire. In fact this is the very basis of neurosis; the desire to flee desire. But can you see how self-defeating this is? It is simply impossible to do away with desire and hence the disappointment it fosters. The person who flees true desire in an attempt to flee disappointment actually creates more disappointment in their flight from reality.

An common example of this process can be seen in the person who, in deep desire, reaches out to connect with others (perhaps their spouse, child, parent, co-worker, or friend) only to experience the disappointment of rejection or unmet expectations. If this happens enough or if the disappointment is particularly severe this person may well, in an effort to minimize and escape the pain of unmet desire, begin to avoid situations where such disappointment can again be triggered. In other words distance themselves from others and the deep desires that would lead them to such danger. It is a process of fleeing what is most desired and deadening (or attempting to deaden) the heart that desires. Yet the problem resurfaces when their desire for meaningful connection, now aching more than ever due to their self-imposed solitary confinement, refuses to die. The further they move from what is desired the more disappointed and unsatisfied they feel; add now the growing disappointment of failing to fully flee disappointment! If this person is to maintain their commitment to fleeing disappointment they must now go to even greater lengths to distance themselves from what is real within. Hence the onion layers of non-reality and denial that psychologists have come to call neurosis. This is an ideal recipe for all manner of addictions and compulsions.

The plain truth is that you cannot move toward any good desire without at the same time moving toward and accepting disappointment. To agree to flee disappointment is to agree to flee from what you most desire! Which, even if it were possible, could never in any stretch of the imagination be considered a good thing. I mean, can you imagine anybody really believing it would be good to kill the desire for healthy relationship, meaningful involvement, or personal health; spiritual or otherwise? The truth is we all know better. To kill good desires, simply put, would be evil.

Finally, not only is facing disappointment necessary to discovering true desire and instrumental in keeping us from the self contempt that would lead us to flee those desires, facing disappointment is necessary if we are to authentically live from our heart. Now I’m not going all foofy on you here . What I mean by heart is that which reflects what is most authentically true about you. It is the “you” that exists irrespective of all the should and ought statements that serve to pressure you into being more or less than you actually are. Living from the heart means moving away from a view of self defined by doing. It means moving toward, or better resting in, an appreciation of self as defined by being. This concept of living in a state of being was of huge import to the ancients. Augustine once said, “Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being.” It is to simply live at peace with this oft contrary predicament we call reality.

When we are unwilling to live with disappointment we relegate ourselves to a life of unreality. Our responses become governed less by an appreciation for the way things really are than a demand that life conform, that we and others conform, to the way we think things “ought” to be. When we encounter difficult situations the overwhelming concern becomes focused not on how we actually feel but how we think we “should” feel. The real question of how we really feel becomes obscured. How do you really feel? We haven’t a clue. Our lives become fractured as our head and our heart no longer work together but rather live in continual tension.

The head deals with cause and effect. It is solution orientated. Beneath every loud cry of “What should I feel, how should I respond?” is a barely recognized demand for control. What we mean is what should I, think, feel, do…to gain control? The head deals with the who, what, where, why, and how and is concerned with making life work. But only the heart actually rests in what is and is therefore by it’s nature more grounded in reality.

And what is this reality we are so desperate to fix, change, flee, or otherwise change? It is the reality that we are a powerless people of deep and unremitting desires who have never known true and lasting fulfillment. The reality is that it is our tears rather than our words that most eloquently describe our lives. And so it is when we at long last stop our running and slow down long enough to really listen to our hearts, to really listen to our reality, what we hear is weeping. This is what we flee.

In summary we face disappointment to uncover desires, embrace the goodness of those desires, and reconcile ourselves with the reality we live in. In the next entry I will examine the question - Why so much disappointment and what does it tell us?

Until then, I hope you all have an enjoyable and safe New Year celebration.

The Ache of Desire- Part 2

In the last entry I posed the question, “Why face the question of ultimate desire when doing so can leave us feeling so confused, frustrated, and disappointed?” In response I indicated that it was only through facing such disappointment that we could ever arrive at the self-understanding necessary to find real direction and answers to life’s most fundamental questions.
In truth I must confess I have bitten off more than I bargained for! As I imagined what I wanted to include in this continuation I very soon realized that I had a mountain of info and no idea how to organize and share these ideas in a coherent fashion. Hence the great amount of time it has taken me to even begin.

The whole point of this blog entry was to begin to explore how we reach awareness of what we most desire, not by figuring out what brings us the most pleasure in our lives, but by examining and entering into those aspects of our lives that leave us the most disappointed. I wanted to explore the surprising paradox that we find life by entering disappointments rather than fleeing them. C.S. Lewis said that God whispers through our pleasures and shouts through our pain. I used to think he meant that God teaches us more through our pain or that we are more inclined to listen and cling to Him in our pain, in either case the emphasis was on learning lessons and becoming more moral. This is somewhat true; we do learn from our pains, and being more attentive to God’s teaching does help facilitate our growth in moral understanding and practice. But at this season in my life I no longer believe that was primarily what Lewis was talking about. I believe Lewis was referring to a quality of relationship with God in which our pains become, not simply instructive, but invitational. Through my own journey of deeply entering and owning my sorrows I have learned (quite reluctantly I might add) that it is through the opportunity afforded me through my sorrows that I experience the deepest assurance, hope, encouragement, affirmation, and even joy in intimately communing with God. I have come to see His presence and glory more through my disappointments than my satisfaction. I have come to see the reality of heaven more through what is not than what is. This is what I want to share.
So, now that I am faced with such a task where do I begin?

After much consideration I have decided to further address the question as to why it is so important to get beneath the surface of our lives and discover what it is we truly desire. As mentioned, stirring up our longings for what life may not, at present, be providing can be truly painful and even life shattering for some. This truth was brought home to me more than ever in view of the recent shootings here in Omaha.

In the fourth chapter of the book of James, verses one through two we read, “What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn’t it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, and you can’t posses it, so you fight and quarrel to take it away from them.” (NLT) This horrible truth was displayed to all the world with devastating clarity when a young man by the name of Robert Hawkins took an assault rifle, massacred eight people, and left five more with serious wounds before turning the gun on himself and ending his own tormented life. His reasons? According to the suicide note Hawkins indicates it was because, “I've been a peice (sic) of (expletive) my entire life it seems this is my only option.” And later, “Just think tho I'm gonna be (expletive) famous.” Now, I am not suggesting these were the only factors that led this young man to such a tragic conclusion but clearly this was a boy who was tormented by, what to him seemed to be, an unattainable desire for worth and recognition.

This striking example adds extreme value to a cautionary stand when it comes to stirring up desire and lends even more credibility to the question, why do this to ourselves? In an attempt at answering this question I will break the rest of this entry into four parts each dealing with a different aspect of why discovering desire and facing disappointment is so crucial. These parts are as follows; Why discovering desire is necessary, Why it must involve facing disappointment, Why disappointment and what it tells us, and finally, What is the ultimate goal in facing desire.

Why discovering desire is necessary.

The first reason it is essential to uncover what we most desire is due to the fact that a person will always be compelled to do what they believe will take them to what they most value, that is what they most desire. So it is that until we discover the passions (deep desires) that move us we will never understand our actions nor will we posses the truth necessary to free us from those compulsive attractions. We will not understand our heart.

It is not simply a psychological theory that all behavior is goal orientated, but it is a well known biblical truth. Not only could I point to the previous text in the book of James to find evidence of this truth but the words of Jesus himself are replete with examples, both negative and positive, of how hidden desire dictates our actions. For example in the twelfth chapter of Luke Jesus tells us about a man driven to success and the gathering of wealth with an unquenchable appetite. This was a man so driven that he would actually destroy what he had just to continue his quest to gather more and more. For what? In verse nineteen we discover his hidden desire and motive, “And I (eventually) will sit back and say to myself, My friend, you have enough stored for years to come. Now take it easy! Eat, drink, and be merry!” And what was it that was driving this guy, what did he truly desire? From what I read I see a desire for validation (I will sit back and say to myself, My friend), security (you have enough stored for years to come.), and oddly enough rest that would enable joy (Now take it easy! Eat, drink, and be merry!”) Another time Jesus rebukes the scribes which loved to show off because they craved validation and honor from others.

On a positive note I am reminded of the faithful ones mentioned in the eleventh chapter of Hebrews who endured horrible circumstances on earth and refused to allow this world to capture them as it did the foolish builder but instead willingly embraced homeless status. Why? Well, because “they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one: for He has prepared for them a city.” (11:16)

In all these instances scripture is proclaiming the truth that our behaviors are always goal (desire) orientated and that often those desires that motivate us remain hidden. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5 (NIV) Are you confused by your actions? Do you find yourself repeating the same destructive patterns despite your best attempts at change? The first step toward freedom is gaining an understanding of what it is you are truly desiring.

The second reason it is necessary to discover our true desires is that, until we do gain such an understanding, we will have no criteria to weigh whether or not the course we are taking will ultimately lead us to what we most desire. How often have we heard and witnessed the misery of those who never knew what they had until it was gone? These are folks, just like you and I, who actually possessed what they truly desired yet traded it for lesser desires in pursuit of that which was, in reality, false and empty. I wonder, if the scribes mentioned above would have truly been aware of the deep and lasting affirmation they really desired if they would have been content with empty pomp and show? I wonder if the foolish builder had known that his desire for affirmation, security, and rest could never be achieved by more achievement would he have been so inclined to give his life to an empty cause? I don’t think so. They only valued what they valued, and hence acted as they acted, because of the hidden belief that these things were necessary instruments that alone could grant them what they most wanted. And so it was their sad fate that they should be enslaved to those things they wanted least in the false hope that they would in fact provide what they wanted most. They were slaves to false secondary desires.

This brings us to the final reason it is necessary to discover our deepest desires. Freedom. One of the most life changing principles I have ever encountered is that true freedom always moves toward true desire. In so far as a person is hopelessly enslaved (through unawareness) to following false desires that promise ultimate fulfillment, they will not experience true freedom to follow those desires they actually want. False, or lesser desires, when they become our focus, rob us of our ability to follow what we truly desire. We become driven rather than inspired. Guilt, pressure, and fear driven rather than invited. (I will further discuss this later.)

So these three reasons are paramount to understanding why it is necessary to uncover what we desire; desire reveals motives, understanding of motives enables objectivity, and objectivity fosters freedom to follow what we most desire.

Well that’s about all I can muster for the moment but stay tuned. I have my nifty outline completed and will be adding more soon. Until then, Peace Out My Brethren!