The Ache of Desire- Part 3

We have looked at some of the reasons why it is in our interest to discover what we truly desire; discovering our desires reveal to us hidden motives that dictate our behavior, discovering these hidden motives lends us an objectivity that enables us to begin discerning the true value (or lack of true value) of what we are giving our lives to, and ultimately through such awareness we gain empowerment to make informed decisions about the direction of our lives. Basically it is a process of gaining awareness of the hidden values that compel our behaviors and allowing truth to inform and restructure those values. With new, truth based values, false and destructive patterns of behaving can be replaced with more constructive interactions. It is a vital principle that until we allow understanding to inform us of our values and allow truth to inform those values real change will remain impossible. We shall remain driven and guided by seemingly irresistible forces that remain obscured in darkness.

Let me offer an example from my own life of this principle at work. For many of the early years of our marriage there was continual tension between my wife and I regarding my inability to break away from the “I am a fixer” role. Whenever my sweetie would seek understanding and perhaps validation and encouragement I would obnoxiously attempt to “show her the way”. It doesn’t take a genius to see how destructive this kind of behavior can be. It is alienating, controlling, and condescending. Let me make something clear; I was deeply troubled by my own inner reality and the behavior I was displaying. The problem was I couldn’t seem to stop. The word addiction is not too strong a word to use here. But that was not the worst of it, for even when I would resist playing counselor, I would find myself awash with feelings of ineptitude, anger, pressure, insecurity, sadness, and confusion. Uhg! Who would rescue me from this body of death?

Freedom and healing came for us when, to my deep disappointment, I realized I was dependent on this role of “wise counselor” for my sense of meaning and value and was consequentially dependent upon my wife being needy toward me to maintain this façade. To follow my paradigm, my deepest desire (for a sense of real worth and meaning) was attached to the false value (secondary, lesser desire) of being “a fixer”, and therefore my behavior was slave to this destructive pattern of relating. In a very real sense I was trapped because, until I discovered how my legitimate desire for worth and meaning was attached to the false value of being a fixer, to let go of that behavior meant surrendering the only hope I had of realizing meaning and worth in my life. Satan has to love this crap! Apart from understanding my deepest desires and motives my options were; pursue the hope of worth and meaning by engaging in false and destructive behavior, or surrender false and destructive behavior and with it surrender hope of ever attaining deep meaning and worth.

Sparing you the details of how I ever gained such a twisted value and belief system, suffice to say, it wasn’t until I learned that what I most desired was bound to false values, and then allowed truth to reshape those values, that I was able to reject the destructive behavior while embracing the good desire for meaning and worth.

Now, given the concise way in which I’ve explained how I came to such an understanding I want to be careful not to give the false impression that this was a simple process that occurred in seven easy steps. Truth is, it was a rather lengthy ordeal that began in fits and starts, and involved facing and entering deeply into a period of significant and sustained disappointment. Which brings me, finally, to the point of this entry.

Why discovering desire must involve facing disappointments.

The most obvious reason it is necessary to face disappointments in order to discover what one truly desires is because all disappointment is disappointed desire. To the extent one is out of touch with their sorrows they are out of touch with their true desires. Think about it. If our disappointments flow from unmet desires, and we are removed from an understanding of those disappointments, how much more removed shall we be from those deeper desires from which those disappointments flow? The answer is completely removed! Without an understanding of our disappointments we shall be oblivious to what we most desire, and hence we shall be oblivious to what most drives us in life.

To illustrate this point, I was once discussing these matters with a friend who, arguing from a quasi-Buddhist New Age type ideology, was very adamant that he desired nothing more from life and that desires for things he didn’t have, if ever he did have them, would be both foolish and selfish. Unfortunately at the beginning of our conversation we had been talking about our current employment and he shared how disappointed he was with the place where he worked. Recognizing this contradiction I asked him whether the disappointment he felt in his job wasn’t in fact evidence that he truly did desire something more than what he currently enjoyed? For disappointment reveals desire. Though he reluctantly agreed he sadly was unable to surrender his sense of contempt for having been revealed as a person with unmet desires that he could not simply turn off.

The sad truth is that many people, whether they are aware of it or not, share the same erroneous belief system displayed by my friend. It is my experience that people are exceedingly reluctant to admit disappointment and even more reluctant to admit to desires beyond their current experiences. Most people actually feel guilt for not being satisfied with their lives. Even more difficult, to acknowledge disappointment with loved ones, to admit we are not fully satisfied with them, feels like something bordering on betrayal.

Deep down people feel there is something wrong with them because, when they are confronted with the reality of their hearts, they know they are not content. In truth it is easier to point the finger at ourselves than to face the ugly truth that the best of what life has to offer us falls miserably short of what we long for. For in one sense self-blame, as guilty as it leaves us, always encourages in us the hope that somehow we can change ourselves, do better, think better, etc.. Whereas to face the truth that the world we live in falls short is to recognize a reality over which we have no control. That is why guilt is so intoxicatingly addictive, it encourages and feeds off our desire for control.

Perhaps saddest of all it seems this patent denial of unmet desire and disappointment is more prevalent among the religious and especially fellow Christians who, more than any, should have no fear of the light of reality. Many of us, as believers, have had it drilled into our heads that we should be content and thankful in all circumstances. That to acknowledge deep dissatisfaction and disappointment is to somehow evidence ingratitude, lack of faith, poor thinking, and selfishness.

Though some might point to scriptural instructions such as “give thanks in all circumstances” or “count it all joy when facing various trials” in an attempt to justify such positions this represents a misunderstanding, or better, an unbalanced interpretation of the bible. Many have come to see trusting God, giving thanks in all circumstances, and rejoicing in trials as positions antithetical to the experience of deep sorrow, struggle, and disappointment. As if somehow our faith, right behavior, and right belief should inoculate us from deep and irresolvable pain. This could not be further from the truth.

Consider Jesus who in scripture is called the Man of Sorrows. The book of Hebrews tells us “7While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death. And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God. 8So even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.” And in Romans Paul writes that the life of believers will be an odd combination of both disappointed longing, expectation, and joy. “For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us. Now that we are saved, we eagerly look forward to this freedom. For if you already have something, you don’t need to hope for it.” Romans 8:22-24 (NLT) Later in 2 Corinthians 6:10 he says “Our hearts ache, but we always have joy.” (NLT) These portions of scripture and many others like it make it clear that right thinking, strong faith, a selfless attitude, and even joy are neither antithetical to, nor a safe guard against, deep disappointment and desire.

Apart from simply gaining an understanding of what it is we truly desire, another reason it is essential to face disappointment is because actively rejecting or otherwise denying disappointment is to actually throw contempt on, and move away from, what we most desire. This may seem contradictory, but consider. If it is true that all disappointment is disappointed desire, and we are unwilling to accept and validate those disappointments, then we are in fact also rejecting and refusing to validate those good desires from which they flow. We are simply telling ourselves we “shouldn’t” feel disappointed. But if we really understood and saw the value of what we desired we would validate and recognize the appropriateness of our disappointments. We would be gentle and compassionate toward our grieving hearts rather that cold and impatient.

For example we would never shame or otherwise tell someone who has just experienced the loss of a loved one that they shouldn’t grieve or feel too disappointed. Why not? Because we recognize immediately the great value of the relationship lost. In fact we would think it odd and even inhumane if that person wasn’t deeply grieved. That is because we only validate sorrow and disappointment to the extent we value what is desired. Do you feel disappointment with your job, relationships, spiritual life, or whatever? To deny yourself the freedom to unashamedly experience the full weight of your sorrow is to reject and pour contempt on the good and authentic desires you have for meaningful vocation, relationship, and connection to God. It is to actually move away from those good desires.

This is fairly simple to see. For if one is committed to avoiding and repressing disappointments then it will very naturally follow that they must altogether avoid those things which stir up desire. In fact this is the very basis of neurosis; the desire to flee desire. But can you see how self-defeating this is? It is simply impossible to do away with desire and hence the disappointment it fosters. The person who flees true desire in an attempt to flee disappointment actually creates more disappointment in their flight from reality.

An common example of this process can be seen in the person who, in deep desire, reaches out to connect with others (perhaps their spouse, child, parent, co-worker, or friend) only to experience the disappointment of rejection or unmet expectations. If this happens enough or if the disappointment is particularly severe this person may well, in an effort to minimize and escape the pain of unmet desire, begin to avoid situations where such disappointment can again be triggered. In other words distance themselves from others and the deep desires that would lead them to such danger. It is a process of fleeing what is most desired and deadening (or attempting to deaden) the heart that desires. Yet the problem resurfaces when their desire for meaningful connection, now aching more than ever due to their self-imposed solitary confinement, refuses to die. The further they move from what is desired the more disappointed and unsatisfied they feel; add now the growing disappointment of failing to fully flee disappointment! If this person is to maintain their commitment to fleeing disappointment they must now go to even greater lengths to distance themselves from what is real within. Hence the onion layers of non-reality and denial that psychologists have come to call neurosis. This is an ideal recipe for all manner of addictions and compulsions.

The plain truth is that you cannot move toward any good desire without at the same time moving toward and accepting disappointment. To agree to flee disappointment is to agree to flee from what you most desire! Which, even if it were possible, could never in any stretch of the imagination be considered a good thing. I mean, can you imagine anybody really believing it would be good to kill the desire for healthy relationship, meaningful involvement, or personal health; spiritual or otherwise? The truth is we all know better. To kill good desires, simply put, would be evil.

Finally, not only is facing disappointment necessary to discovering true desire and instrumental in keeping us from the self contempt that would lead us to flee those desires, facing disappointment is necessary if we are to authentically live from our heart. Now I’m not going all foofy on you here . What I mean by heart is that which reflects what is most authentically true about you. It is the “you” that exists irrespective of all the should and ought statements that serve to pressure you into being more or less than you actually are. Living from the heart means moving away from a view of self defined by doing. It means moving toward, or better resting in, an appreciation of self as defined by being. This concept of living in a state of being was of huge import to the ancients. Augustine once said, “Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being.” It is to simply live at peace with this oft contrary predicament we call reality.

When we are unwilling to live with disappointment we relegate ourselves to a life of unreality. Our responses become governed less by an appreciation for the way things really are than a demand that life conform, that we and others conform, to the way we think things “ought” to be. When we encounter difficult situations the overwhelming concern becomes focused not on how we actually feel but how we think we “should” feel. The real question of how we really feel becomes obscured. How do you really feel? We haven’t a clue. Our lives become fractured as our head and our heart no longer work together but rather live in continual tension.

The head deals with cause and effect. It is solution orientated. Beneath every loud cry of “What should I feel, how should I respond?” is a barely recognized demand for control. What we mean is what should I, think, feel, do…to gain control? The head deals with the who, what, where, why, and how and is concerned with making life work. But only the heart actually rests in what is and is therefore by it’s nature more grounded in reality.

And what is this reality we are so desperate to fix, change, flee, or otherwise change? It is the reality that we are a powerless people of deep and unremitting desires who have never known true and lasting fulfillment. The reality is that it is our tears rather than our words that most eloquently describe our lives. And so it is when we at long last stop our running and slow down long enough to really listen to our hearts, to really listen to our reality, what we hear is weeping. This is what we flee.

In summary we face disappointment to uncover desires, embrace the goodness of those desires, and reconcile ourselves with the reality we live in. In the next entry I will examine the question - Why so much disappointment and what does it tell us?

Until then, I hope you all have an enjoyable and safe New Year celebration.